A large portion of my postpartum depression with Shepherd was based on the fact that he was born with hypospadias, and the first thing my OB said when breaking the news was: "I've done some research, and there's a small possibility it could be linked to Topamax." Before I left, he gave me two printouts of early research. Now you can see "legal" commercials for 1-800-BAD-DRUG all day everyday.
Now, here I sit, filling out forms for the Child Development Unit, where Shepherd will be evaluated for a social delay in just two weeks, and again I have to answer the questions: "Did the mother take medication during pregnancy? If so, how much?" Yes. Too much.
I try to repeat to myself: It could have been so much worse. But that doesn't erase my guilt when I am buried in tasks like this. On days like today, my "what ifs" from the worst days seem to be coming to life and engulfing me in defeat.
Tonight, Shepherd & I have a special Mommy/Son night planned at the Pittsburgh Zoo for Member's Night, and I will not let this overtake me. I will not be defeated.
BIG HUGE GIANT HUGS.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure that my words won't make you feel better, but I'm going to type them out anyway.
This is not your fault. You were under a doctor's care. You did what you had to do. You are a wonderful mommy who loves her children. I know that because as much as it might pain you right now to fill out those forms and answer those questions, you are doing it for Shepard. You are doing it because it's what he needs at this moment. Mommy guilt may never go away, but neither will your love for your children.
Those forms. Hate them. But what tehamy said above is so true ... so not your fault. Not now, not ever.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy the Zoo tonight. We were just there on Tuesday. (I forgot tonight was Members Night. Don't tell my kids.)
The girls both have had delays - Audrey with speech, and Natalie with motor. The drugs I was on to stay pregnant likely caused most of them. But you know what? Without the drugs we took, our kids might not even be here.
ReplyDeleteJenni. I love you. <3
ReplyDeleteHang in there momma. You are a great mom who clearly loves and adores her kiddos, I know this and I have never even met you.
ReplyDeleteI was also on Topamax for migraines several years ago, blargh.
The above comment is from Amy H., I was signed in as my hubs when I wrote it...oops!
ReplyDelete